Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Loving BDSM Series 6: Conflict

How do you handle conflict now?  How do you imagine handling it in D/s?  What do you think you'll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?

Quick admission I need to make here... I've never been in a vanilla relationship.

Seriously.  My first boyfriend back in high school, the entire way we met and started our relationship was on a forum where we had spiraled a conversation into a three-way BDSM relationship between me, him, and some other dude who was at one point kicked out for creating a Nazi alter-ego.  It was an online-mostly relationship and there was a lot of conflict because we were not great for each other... but it was still at its very base an attempt at a D/s relationship.  After that crashed and burned due to me coming out as trans, I would have sex with only two people, both of whom I met on FetLife and both of whom were functionally my subs (one a friend with benefits, the other my current partner).

The point is, this whole "imagine if..." thing is still reading quite weird.

Anyway, in my earlier relationship experience, the only one close to a vanilla relationship (even though it wasn't), we had a lot of conflict that we handled very poorly because we were teenagers with no life experience and sex education doesn't go far enough.  We were mutually manipulative, and BDSM sometimes factored into that (a cringeworthy and abusive thing I did--and I must reiterate that I wasn't old enough to be in the BDSM scene yet and didn't know shit--was use his desire to hit me as an emotional tool to make him feel like a bad person when he did something I didn't like, even though the hitting was consensual).  He'd throw his own manipulative shit back at me, mostly related to my trans status.  We broke up when I was I think 18 and I now really watch for this kind of behavior, because I have had echoes of this kind of manipulation around conflict in other types of relationships I've had (especially crush relationships).

My current relationship we tend to resolve the few conflicts we have by talking about them.  If it's too much to talk about it in person, it comes up in a text.  BDSM-wise this winds up being about things I've done during sex that had consequences I wasn't aware of for me to know in the future... but most of our conflicts actually are related to food or directions and we get angry at each other--not mean, but angry--and it turns into a joke after about how I didn't listen to her advice on cooking potatoes or rolling out pie crust or something.

I have no idea if this is how vanilla people resolve conflicts... but it seems to work?