Thursday, December 7, 2017

Loving BDSM Series 6: Communication

What is your communication style?  What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts and needs?

My communication style is "poorly."

I jest, but I have a history of things like bullying and poverty that make asking for things I need exceptionally difficult, which tends to really have a toll on my relationships.  I got used to some serious shame when asking for things due to being rejected a lot for financial reasons as a child, and in elementary school I had very few friends (my best friend, I shit you not, pretended not to be my friend at all at school), so my communication skills developed... late.  Going into high school and even a little into college I hadn't shook any of the tendencies I'd developed to mitigate these factors.  And that kind of fucks with you.  I couldn't even talk to people organically until I got into the queer community at college, and it still affects me a great deal.

I also have a bad habit of not talking very directly about my needs.  I try to give people hints instead, which is not a real solution and has definitely hurt my sex life.

My current relationship I feel comfortable asking for things I need fairly directly, but it's honestly the first one where that's been the case.  If I am craving something that goes outside of my normal role I'm likely to text her about it beforehand, which increases my confidence in asking when she's actually over, or something like that.  But I feel pretty good about being able to say "yes, I want this" or "I am not in the mood for that."