Sunday, September 10, 2017

Loving BDSM Series 4: Contracts

Today's Loving BDSM question is:

People read the word "negotiation" and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it's just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.  Negotiations aren't a one time thing, either. You'll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?

This came topically because right now there's a Buzzfeed video going around that declared Fifty Shades of Grey's contract "Hollywood bullshit" despite being the exactly one realistic thing about that film series.

I am in a Dom/sub relationship that has a contract.  It took us days to write it, it was all ceremonial and everything, it involved a cute dog holding a collar key, and so on and so forth.  But we were together for like two years before this, so we clearly functioned without an official contract pretty well.  We did that by just talking to each other, either before or while it was happening.  I’ve introduced a lot of toys and activities right in the middle of it, with my sub’s reaction being the negotiation (either showing her typical body language of “I don’t like this, and not in a good way” or just saying “no” when it was brought up).

In fact, the contract itself more bound us to outside activities and some light protocol than it did actual sexual activities.  It codifies things that we already were doing (things like transportation, venue, etc.) as well as relationship stuff we should have been doing but weren't (for instance, we talk to each other over Skype or on the phone because we only see each other once or twice a month and needed to keep better contact with each other; that’s something we didn’t do before the contract).

The contract was also an excuse, in a way, to talk about things we wanted but didn’t have a good way to bring up, since we had sections that were like “Oh, here are toys we’re allowed to use!” and could put things on we maybe wanted to try but which are hard to bring up in a conversation, almost like a brainstorming session.

Contracts are at their most basic just a way of creating boundaries, and I think that's something vanilla relationships often sorely lack.  How many vanilla couples have a "go with the flow" way about them that just assumes that they're so compatible they will never disagree on anything so they don't need to talk about what they're into and definitely not into?