Monday, June 30, 2014

Transgender Blog Challenge Day 10: Fears

Today's question is:
What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

Honestly, now that I'm physically further-transitioned and have a better concept of the risks for white, medically transitioning, binary trans men (rather than "trans people in general") my fears have changed significantly.  Early on I was very afraid, mostly of family rejection (which I already said in a different day never happened) or that nobody would ever want to date or have sex with me (also  not true), but in some cases I was afraid of things like assault (especially during 2006, which was a really bad year for that across-the-board) or harassment.

Now my main fear is outing, which sucks because I never intended to be stealth, and then suddenly I am.  Suddenly I have a work history in which my general co-workers and supervisors don't know, and it makes me afraid to speak sometimes.  And not only does it suck, it's bizarre for me because in every other aspect of my life--among relatives, among friends, in all of my social groups--I'm used to just flat-out saying things that relate to me being trans without it being a big deal.  I do hope that if I find a long-term, settle-down type job it's somewhere I feel safe being out and open.  My last few jobs I just haven't felt that because I either worked in very shaky contracts or at Catholic hospitals.

Typically, though, I don't feel particularly threatened.  The worst was when the council of a city I was working in voted on trans-protecting legislature for their housing ordinance and every fucking cis asshole in the city decided to hoot and holler about predating trans people in bathrooms or some other bullshit.  The only actual problem I ran into was councilpeople sending me dipshitty insensitive email responses, but it did make the environment scary enough for me that I was having panic attacks for a while.  I can't imagine how that must have felt for trans people who are really in danger.

Speaking of which, I tend to have more concern for my trans friends than for myself.  I pass reasonably well, I'm accepted by my family, I have a place to live and a job, and I don't engage in many high-risk behaviors, so I'm not really the poster child for somebody likely to, for instance, be beaten or murdered (and that's true even if by some chance this does happen to me).  Rather, I fear for my friends who are homeless, or sex workers, or who have no family support, and so forth.